I have a condition. A psychological one. And since I’ve read extensive portions of WebMD and have a sister who took Abnormal Psychology in college, I feel qualified to diagnose and name my condition. It’s called Priority Paralysis, and it’s a real humdinger. Below you will find a definition of this condition according to some reliable sources, namely, myself et al.
Priority Paralysis:Â the mental state in which the self is so preoccupied with a set of courses of action or activities that the self fails to determine any one choice, and instead accomplishes nothing, leading to a state of simultaneous dissatisfaction and self-loathing.Â
Does this ring a bell with anyone else? I am probably faced with this problem at least a couple times a week, if not in a Sunday afternoon alone, and it drives me crazy! I just pace around or stare at my computer screen, trying to decide if I should “be responsible” and do something chore-ish around the house, or “take care of myself” and do something nice and therapeutic, or “be proactive” and look for jobs or figure out grad school plans……. and eventually I stew about it long enough that it makes me totally disenchanted with all of my options and angry with myself! It’s so ridiculous.
The worst part of it is that there’s another element in my mind, driving my decisions and keeping me from being content with my choices – people pleasing. My concern about doing the absolute best thing for the moment versus doing what’s best based on consequences down the road is even more complicated by my worry how my actions will affect others. Now, you’re probably saying to yourself, Uh yeah. Thinking about how your actions affect others is a good thing – that’s how people keep from being jerks all the time. But I’ve moved past that somehow. All I do is worry about my approval rating with people and the consequences I will bring upon myself should I fail to do something I should have done, or do something wrong. If I read a book instead of washing bath towels today, will my mom be upset that I didn’t help out with laundry? If I write a blog post instead of doing something with my sister, will she think I don’t value her company? Which friend should I get in touch with, at the expense of someone else? These thoughts just go on and on.
Not only do the thoughts never end, but the fear of what others think enslaves me. I’ve never in my life been more aware of my need for approval, but now that it’s starting to affect even my day to day actions, I realize it has to stop. It destroys my joy and eats away at my confidence, until eventually I’ll be totally crippled and dependent on others for direction at every turn. And that’s NOT how I want to be, obviously.
So how do I stop? My only solution right now is to focus on the purpose of my life, which is to glorify God. If the items on my Need-To-Do List and my Want-To-Do List all accomplish that main point, then I’m good to go choosing whichever one I want. Clearly, I need to pay attention to priority level and I still know how to do tasks that people ask me to do; I haven’t totally degenerated. 🙂 But even when organizing my priorities, I can still live free in the knowledge that if I am bringing God glory through my actions and my attitude, I am Right. And that’s definitely a relief.
Little Life, Big Joy 
I will NEVER be mad at you for blogging instead of hanging out with me. In fact, I encourage it 🙂 good post!
Why is living for approval or not knowing what to do a bad thing? What is the alternative? living so independently that you don’t care about approval and thinking that you know every decision you make is the right one? I think what you’re describing is perfectly normal! You’re just fine! Don’t beat yourself up about not knowing what to do. Nobody knows what to do.
You’re right that caring about approval is normal – I totally agree. It just becomes a problem when you get so fearful of DISapproval that you completely psych yourself out, OR make choices based on anticipated disapproval which actually wouldn’t occur, in reality. And I do both of these things. 🙂
yes, but you can’t know that making a choice based on anticipated results is wrong. that’s why you’re anticipating the approval or disapproval in the first place!
I’ve heard about something similar called “paralysis by analysis.” This has to do with how we (in the US or in the West or whatever) are constantly confronted with too many options and how that leads to lots of unnecessary stress in our lives. For example, when you go to buy toothpaste, there’s a whole aisle of different kinds. You start reading the boxes. Are you more concerned about plaque? Whiteness? Tartar? When really, there’s not a big difference between any of them–they all do the same thing. We have to deal with these situations ALL THE TIME, and it leads us to constantly think we’re always making the wrong choices (usually about totally silly things). It really sucks, and it stresses me out (should have gotten the toothpaste with mouthwash in it). At least when I realize a lot of decisions don’t really matter, it makes it easier to make those decisions.
Anyway, I hope you have a really fantastic weekend.
I KNOW – there are so many choices! I spent 20 minutes trying to pick out shampoo and conditioner yesterday because I couldn’t decide if I wanted my hair “voluminous” or “purified and replenished.” That’s a good call to just remember that most of the choices we’re forced to make don’t make any big difference in the long run.
I just noticed you have a really cute gravatar picture.
I think the more time you have on your hands, the harder it is to make even the simplest of decisions, because you have the time and luxury to overanalyze everything. It’s kind of a phenomenon of privilege, in a way. People who are focused on survival simply don’t have time to overanalyze their decisions and choices. They just do the next thing to stay alive, and spend little time reflecting. And once you’re back to working long crazy hours and barely have time to think again, you won’t have this problem, most likely.
And just to clarify, I would NEVER be upset with you for reading a book instead of washing bath towels, but I MIGHT be sad if you did just about anything else instead of watering my dying plants. But if you’re going to ignore the plants for any reason, reading a book is probably the best. Hope that helps in the decision process. 😉
p.s. thanks for all the times you have watered my plants! 🙂
… and thank you for cooking a fabulous dinner every night, researching low carb recipes, baking yummy guilt-free treats for your dad and me, grocery shopping, cleaning up the kitchen, vacuuming and dusting, cleaning house for your grandparents and curling Grandma’s hair each week, making time for your family and friends, all while applying for jobs and going to job interviews… oh, and doing not only your personal laundry, but also the family bath towels. I’m sorry you suffer from moment-by-moment paralysis… it’s no fun…. but overall, I think you’ve made oodles of good choices with your time this summer and been a real blessing to everyone around you. That’s definitely God’s will for you.
But I don’t believe God would judge you unkindly for spending time reading a book or expressing your thoughts in your blog… it seems to me that He wrote a pretty good best seller Himself, and it’s filled with writings that obviously took a great deal of time for a lot of folks to devote their time to writing… so I think He’s very “pro” reading and writing. And I most definitely approve, if you are ever worried about either of our approval. (not that God and I belong in the same category, but you might be tempted at times to put our approval in the same boat because you have been trained from childhood to do so, unintentionally on my part!) (I am sorry about that, by the way. You should definitely choose Him over me!)
After reading all the comments from the people who are with you daily or often Lindsay, I think you have made excellent decisions this summer! I wish that you could really see your self as the sweet, loving, kindhearted, caring, and all around fantastic woman that you are. You make me very proud to call you my granddaughter. By the way, I think everyone is blessed by the life that you live, always being there to help. Your faith speaks volumes of just how much you love God! I love you precious granddaughter!